Addicted
by piratewench78
Summary: It's like you're a drug / It's like you're a demon I can't face down / It's like I'm stuck / It's like I'm running from you all the time. Deacon's got a girlfriend and it forces Rayna to think about how she feels about it. ONE SHOT.


_**A/N: I was listening to 'Addicted' by Kelly Clarkson this morning on the treadmill and it made me think of the whole 'when Rayna met Stacy' scene from season 1. So just a one shot tied into that song.**_

* * *

 _It's like I can't breathe  
It's like I can't see anything  
Nothing but you  
I'm addicted to you  
It's like I can't think  
Without you interrupting me  
In my thoughts  
In my dreams  
You've taken over me  
It's like I'm not me  
It's like I'm not me_

 _It's like I'm lost  
It's like I'm giving up slowly  
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me  
Leave me alone  
And I know these voices in my head  
Are mine alone  
And I know I'll never change my ways  
If I don't give you up now_

I could feel Tandy slip her arm through mine as we walked down the sidewalk. She was blessedly silent as we trailed the girls, who were chattering on and on about Deacon's dog.

 _I felt something inside as I looked at her. Something I had absolutely no right to feel. Jealousy. I hated her immediately, although she looked like a perfectly lovely woman. Friendly, open, just the woman Deacon needed. I didn't want to hate her, knew I shouldn't, but it was just a visceral reaction. I knew who she was instantly, although I acted like I didn't. "Y'all working together?" I asked, looking back and forth between the two of them._

 _Deacon looked flustered. "No, she's uh…uh…" He sounded like he was afraid to say it out loud._

" _I'm his girlfriend," Stacy offered, sounding proud and happy. So happy. And maybe a touch annoyed that Deacon had trouble with the word. Which makes sense, since I don't think he's ever used that word except when he referred to me._

 _He laughed, that little short laugh that he always did when he got caught doing something he shouldn't. Like all those times he'd had just one shot, six months after rehab. Which, naturally, led to another and another. Which was why I wasn't with him anymore. "Girlfriend," he added, unnecessarily. "She's my girlfriend."_

 _I felt the smile freeze on my face. I wanted to scream, to rage, to slap her, to slap him. I wanted to flounce off, like my daughter Maddie would, angry as hell at him for doing this to us. I wanted to stomp my feet like a child, cry, maybe even vomit right there on the sidewalk. But I did none of those things. I just looked at him and I knew he understood what I was thinking in my head. How fucking_ _dare_ _you do this to us?_

That was ridiculous though. There was no _us_ anymore. At least not that kind of us. I mean, the only us there had been, for the last thirteen years, was that he had been my bandleader, my lead guitar player, my right hand, my best friend. But he wasn't even that anymore. I'd fired him, because my soon-to-be-former husband had basically forced my hand. Which also wasn't really true either. _Deacon_ had forced my hand, by asking that same question. _How could you do this to us?_ Not in those words, of course, because we didn't use those kind of words with each other anymore, but that was what he'd meant.

So now he'd gone and gotten himself a girlfriend. A _girlfriend_.

"Mom." Maddie's whining voice cut through my thoughts.

I shook away the distraction and smiled at her. "What, sweetie?"

My oldest daughter smiled, her most winsome and endearing smile. The same smile I'd seen on the face of her father, time and time again. The way he'd just smiled at me when he'd introduced me to his _girlfriend_ , trying to make me understand. That begging, puppy dog smile that he knew would turn my heart over and make me give him another chance. _Gah. I need to stop with that._ I looked at Maddie, raising my eyebrows, waiting for whatever it was she was going to ask me. "Mom, can we get a dog? Like Deacon's? That dog was just so adorable," she said cajolingly.

"Yeah, Mom, let's get a dog," Daphne chimed in.

"No!" I said, probably a little too sharply. The girls both looked crestfallen and even Tandy looked at me oddly. "No," I said, softening my tone. "That's just silly. There's too much going on for us to have a dog. I travel, your dad isn't always around. Who would take care of a dog?"

"We would," Daphne begged.

I shook my head and smiled sadly. "No. No dog." I stopped then. "But look! Here we are at the Chinese restaurant!" I gestured towards the door with my hand and, after a moment, the girls trudged in, looking like they had both lost their respective best friends. I rolled my eyes at Tandy and we followed them into the restaurant.

* * *

I'm pretty sure I sat there, across from Daphne in the booth, and just smiled and nodded my head like one of those damn bobble head dogs in a store display window. I ordered my favorite – chicken lo mein – and picked at it, barely putting any in my mouth. No one seemed to notice. Well, actually Tandy did, and she'd look at me periodically with concern and a little frown, but I'd just look away from her and focus on one of the girls, as though I was listening intently.

But I wasn't.

 _After delivering the bombshell news that he had a girlfriend, Tandy said, "Wow."_

 _I still was having fantasies about slapping the living hell out of Deacon for using that word. "That's nice," I said instead. But it wasn't nice at all. It was horrible and it hurt. It tore my heart in two._

 _He could see it. In my eyes, in my face. I knew he could see it. He knew I knew. "Yup," was all he said, almost apologetically. He said "I'm sorry" with his eyes. But it couldn't be undone. He had a perfectly lovely 'girlfriend' and I had no right to say anything. To feel anything._

 _The girls were cooing over the damn puppy. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I didn't even know what to say to him at that point. All I really wanted to do was get away, as fast as I possibly could. I kept up the smile until I could finally make my brain engage and form words that made sense and wouldn't paint me as the devastated, jealous woman I actually was. "Well, we are gonna go get some Chinese food," I said, not so gently herding the girls away. I think the girlfriend said something like "nice to meet you"._

 _As I turned away from the two of them, I babbled. "Well, we'll see you. You hold on to that dog. You too. Nice to meet you." Then I looked at Tandy. "Girlfriend?"_

 _Tandy didn't look at me. "Yep."_

I could barely breathe. Oh, I'd seen Deacon go off lots of times with some girl or another, but they were always one-and-done's. That's what my hair and makeup team called them. In the early days, when Deacon had first come back to my band, after Maddie was born and I'd forced myself to stop thinking about her as Deacon's daughter, he didn't even look at other girls. Girls always tried to get his attention though. And why not? He was a handsome man, with a sweet smile and those sad, puppy dog eyes. What girl wouldn't want him? Whenever I looked at him back then, I could scarcely breathe. I could feel my heart thudding in my chest and it all made my head hurt.

In those days I couldn't be near him, couldn't be alone in a room with him, couldn't even sit close to him. I was too afraid I'd say something like "I love you" or "I miss you" or "I need you" or "Maddie is your daughter". We didn't write together, we didn't talk about the music or the set lists or the timing of things. We didn't sing any of those songs we'd written together, unless they weren't love songs, which meant we didn't sing many of our songs.

It had been a rough first year back. The fans didn't like the fact that I didn't sing 'No One Will Ever Love You' or 'The End of the Day' or 'Here I Go Again' or 'I Shouldn't Love You' anymore. But we did enough of the old stuff – what wasn't overtly about us – and new songs that we got past it. And Deacon and I did too, eventually. I don't remember exactly when we finally found our rhythm, but it was sometime after Daphne was born. Maybe it was that she seemed to represent the reality that we weren't together, I don't know. Probably though.

We still didn't write songs together though. Somehow that felt like a line we couldn't cross. Most likely because songwriting led to sex, for us, and that just wasn't possible anymore.

"Rayna?" Tandy's voice was as soft as her hand on my arm and I was shaken from my musings yet again. I groaned a little inside, thinking I was spending much too much time thinking about this…development.

I looked at my sister, who had a concerned look on her face. "What?" I asked, trying not to sound irritable.

"Is there something wrong with your lo mein? You've hardly touched it."

I made an apologetic face. I picked up my chopsticks and played around with it some more. "No, no, it's fine," I said, with a smile. "But I'm on first tonight and I guess just a few jitters." I picked up some food with my chopsticks and put it in my mouth. It was just barely warm now but I managed to get it down.

Maddie frowned. "You never have jitters, Mom," she said.

When I had swallowed, I raised my eyebrows. "That's where you're wrong," I said. "I _always_ have butterflies just before a show. I think it's my way of knowing I'm ready."

Maddie looked at me skeptically, but I kept on smiling and I kept on putting that lukewarm lo mein in my mouth, until I just couldn't anymore.

* * *

As we walked out of the restaurant to head back to the hotel, Tandy pulled at my arm. I looked at her and she frowned. "You okay, babe?" she asked.

I tried to look innocent. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

She made a face. "Oh, I don't know. Deacon. And his _girlfriend_."

I shrugged and looked forward, keeping my eyes on the girls, who were far enough ahead of us to be out of earshot, but close enough to keep tabs on. "Why would that bother me, Tandy? I mean, we've been nothing but friends for over a decade. If he's happy, I'm happy for him." I glanced at her.

She didn't look convinced. "Really?"

I put on my best performance face. "Really, Tandy. I am truly happy Deacon has found someone." And I truly just about choked saying those words.

* * *

Bucky was waiting for us in the lobby. "Y'all ready to head over to the arena?" he asked.

Maddie and Daphne looked ready, but I needed a minute. I looked at them, then looked at Bucky. "You know, I need to get something from the room. Can you get Tandy and the girls over to the arena and then I'll just catch a cab?"

Bucky shook his head. "I'll send the car back after we get them to the Barclay Center. I don't trust a cab to get you there on time. I'll text you when it's on the way back."

Tandy looked at me. "Sweetheart, we can wait."

I shook my head. "No, go on over. Casey and Amber will be there and I bet they'll work on your makeup," I said, smiling at my girls.

"Oh, yes!" Daphne cried. She grabbed Tandy's hand. "Let's go!"

I smiled, watching them walk off, waving at them. The glam squad was guaranteed to get their attention. Once they were out of sight, my smile faded and I turned for the elevator lobby. I kept an eye out, hoping I didn't run into Deacon and…whatever her name was. When the elevator opened, I got in. I was the only one and, as the doors closed, I felt a shiver of…I don't know what. It happened every time I got into an elevator by myself these days. I couldn't help but remember riding that elevator in Chicago with Deacon. The time he kissed me. It was the closest I'd come to crossing that line with him. I'd invited him up, but Teddy had showed up instead. Teddy, asking me for a divorce. That had ruined the night.

I struggled with the key fob on my room door, but then I got it to work and I pushed open the door and then shoved it closed and leaned against it, sliding down onto the floor. I put my face in my hands and forced myself to breathe in and out. I couldn't cry, although I wanted to. If I cried, my eyes would be puffy and red and Amber would notice.

So I did what I had learned to do. I took all the hurt and anger and sadness and mentally put them in a box, tying a ribbon around it and then placing it with all the other boxed up feelings and emotions I'd had since that day I'd walked out on Deacon. It had worked pretty well for all these years. Probably, in large part, because I had Teddy and Maddie and Daphne to focus on. But Deacon and I had been walking a tightrope these last months. First there was singing together at the Bluebird and talking about that small, intimate tour, which, in retrospect, was a horrible idea. There was Deacon coming onto Juliette's tour and that damn kiss.

I took a deep breath. I had toyed with the idea that we could find our way back to each other one day. Not sure why, especially all those years I was married to Teddy, but that was what always kind of kept me from falling into this deep hole of despair. Well, that and my girls. I think that night at Deacon's birthday party, I knew we couldn't go back. There was too much water under that bridge, too many secrets and lies. I'd kept such a huge secret from him – that Maddie was his daughter – although I felt sure he'd see it as a lie. I breathed out.

Deacon deserved to be happy. He'd finally figured out how to make sober work and I wondered if it had to do with the fact that I wasn't there to hold him up anymore. So he needed a clean slate and I needed to give it to him, even if it killed me.

I could hear my phone buzz in my purse. I rubbed my face, took another deep breath, and reached in to pull it out. _Car on its way._ I smiled, a little sadly. It was time to move on.

* * *

It was just past midnight and I couldn't sleep. I got up and walked out to the suite's living room. I didn't turn on any lights. Didn't have to. The moon was full and it sent a silvery light into the room through the floor to ceiling windows. I curled up on the couch and gave in to my weakness, letting a few tears slide down my cheeks. It felt like I couldn't escape her. _Stacy._ Maddie had reminded me of her name. It had been like a knife to my heart, seeing her standing on the side stage with Deacon and Stacy.

I hadn't felt awkward with Deacon in years, but now I did. Seeing him after my show. Seeing him again at the after party. There was so much to say, but it was too late. I found myself wondering if this was how he'd felt, all those years, watching me with Teddy. I thought it probably was. I wondered if I would ever be able to break the habit that was Deacon Claybourne. For as much as he'd been addicted to alcohol, he had also been addicted to me and me to him.

It was then that I realized that he was still a part of me, would probably always be. And just as I had watched him, day by day, fight that battle with his addiction and finally win, I would have to do the same. The song inside my head was my own. I let him haunt my thoughts and dreams. I'd held onto him inside for so long that I almost didn't know how not to. But now he had Stacy. And I had to give him up. If I didn't, nothing would change, and I'd be stuck.

I breathed in deeply. Then I ran my fingers under my eyes to wipe off the tears. I got up and I went back to my bed, determined to let him go. _I want to do right by you._ How many times had I said that, not really feeling sure what exactly that meant. Now I did. It was my time, to face up to my own addiction, and to do the work to control it.

As I pulled the covers over me, I got out the biggest box I could find in my mind and put Deacon in it. It was only fair.


End file.
